It’s Too Late to Apologize

Someone close to me apologized for something and then when I didn’t forgive him, he questioned me as to why. The reason is because I do not think that he is truly sorry for what he did. I came to this conclusion as a direct result of how he apologized.
I am a firm believer in forgiveness. When you forgive someone, you are not telling them that what they did was right or letting them “off-the-hook” but rather a choice that you must make to let go of any resentment or anger you hold toward that person. When you forgive someone you are making four promises to them. You promise you will not dwell on what he did wrong. You promise you will not bring up this situation and use it against him. You promise you will not talk to others about what he did. You promise you will be friends with him again.

I’d prefer not to go in the details of my personal situation so I make up a similar story instead. Say he had punched me. He made a conscience choice to do something he knew would hurt me. When he apologized he said, “I am sorry you are hurt.” I don’t understand how this is an apology. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions. A better apology in this situation would be, “I am sorry I punched you and you got hurt.” Stated this way I can respond by saying, “I forgive you for punching me.” How am I supposed to forgive with the previous apology, he isn’t apologizing for anything he did merely empathizing with me. I can’t forgive empathy. It may in fact be true that he is sorry that I am hurt, but how I’m a supposed to know if he is sorry that he is the one who hurt me?

When you are apologizing you need to admit what you did was wrong, apologize for how your choice affected the other person, accept the consequences for your wrongdoing without argument or excuses, ask for forgiveness, and alter your choices in the future.

I have since forgiven this person and the whole situation has been resolved.